Anatomy of Kashmiri Malaal

All humans (esp. Kashmiris) have this gene of Malaal. Some express it more and are known as Ladayi gaer and some express it less and are Andre Humal. Malaal can occur to anyone, anytime irrespective of their caste, color, age, gender (but it is mostly found in zanaan koem) with or without any stimulus and it finds more expression during someones khandar. Any kandar will be declared incomplete if all paech(guests) leave without any malaal. Malaal has the same effect on ones khandar as chilli flakes have on pizza or as khatta pani have on pani puri. Most of these malaal’s have no basis and are the production of the malaal bearer’s own mind.

There is a khandar in the neighbourhood, the family is gearing up for the big day and so are the malaal parties. Let’s see how it goes for them….

Malale travith tse sala yikh na2
Bae pyale mase ki baray ha lalo….

This is the Yezman and Yezman bai singing before the wedding, as they go around their tribe to invite all near and dear ones. During kandar, Yezman bai has haath pareshaniyi and 90% of these pareshaniyi are caused by these hatki phitjis.

Some are like,”chanev maleneyav kaer ne asi seth kathe, buth peyokhe wasith salame detyukh ne dekki michrith jawabai.

Yezman bai’s varev side is upset and have called an urgent meeting in a room. One lady shouts, “Yeti chu sori yem kormuth maalinen hawali…” another lady adds, “aes kyah choer cha, storas che raech”. Pyari aunty has keeni, ” yemav chu sori kulfas tal thovmuth, dapeyomakh emis nikas ditav pastry piece, dapan cham ye tikkae wavij (referring to yezman bai’s sister) yem che pachen khetri, kitchenas manz chev bai…. ” in-between someone from the maaleyun side opens the door and everyone gets up to greet everyone. “Waraiv hav, khoeshpeth hav” ooobahhhhh oobabhh ….

Choti aunty has been all good, working, helping, laughing, suddenly there is a change in her mood. She is grumbling and mumbling now, when asked what is wrong? She says she has kalasdoed, actually she has dilasdoed. Yezman bai has not asked proper kherpath to her baey-kakaen (she has been diagnosed with fatty liver).

Pyari aunty has keeni as yezman bai and company did not serve her newly married daughter’s (she has a 4yr old child now) in-law’s daudi kahwi, when they came for lunch at 5pm. Badi masi has malaale as she was served kehwa with sugar (she has diabetes), when asked, “badal haz demav…”, she refused and said, “Na na aesi che dohai Rube Lale banawan gari, godenich phiri cha cheyon. One lale was angry why she was given sheermal on a white plate and not on a golden plate as given to another lale.

Sweety didi has malaal as her daughter (3-year-old) is not among the Manzi kore. Su kyah buth de wen warivyen

Jiji laal will has hoep as her mahrin noesh was not asked to share the bride’s traem.
Jaji arrives pays wartav and then makes excuses to leave, “mai chui ne banan ye (wazwan) kheyun kenh, mai chui pressure, mai che shoer ghari kunizani, mai cha yehindis maelis chai din blah blah” in actual she has a puron malaale wherein; yezman and yezman bai had got an Amul 500ml crate instead of Amul Gold 1L crate for a taziyat at Jaji’s Malyeun. Naa te yee cha shubaan

“Shabir saebin che ni aamti…”, “Kyazi sana?” The rokki (invitation card) has been addressed in the name of his late father (Bashir saeb). Magfirat aesnas

“Hamsaey che roeshmith”, “kyazi sanah?” no one called them again to join the Mehandi Raat function (please note they were invited properly via invitation card and dapun).

Boey toeth has malaale as his daughter’s in-laws were not invited “full family” for Manzi Raat. Baey lale has malaale as his son has not been asked to go for Mahraaz saal.
Khalujan has malaale that his son, Raj saeb is not driving Maharaz gaed, inspite of doing so much work.

Tothi chu naar chakan as wazaa has given him only ze kabab gand to taste. Maam toeth has malaal, he is neither a gawah nor shahid in nikkah (he had purchased a new karakuli for the same).

A hamsai bai is waiting for another hamsai bai to give wartav to see how much she is gonna give. Now she has malaal that yezman bai got Rs.500 more wartav than she had on her son’s wedding four years back. (Emis waentav kanh tani kotah khoth teelas).

Janu and team have malaal as they got scolded by Yezman for roaming around woddi noni. Then the camera man adds to their pain by asking them to move aside as he has to take family pics

A careless Lali ji will be like,”I had kept my gold ring in the wash room it’s not there “. Where is it Yezman baiyi? I had kept my brand-new footwear outside the tent? It’s not there. Where is it Yezman baiyi? She blames Yezman bai for not taking care of her belongings, so she will carry forwarded this malaal to the next function.

I want to change my dress, Yezman baiyi give me a room. I want to take a bath, Yezman baiyi no washroom is available, why don’t I have room with attached washroom?
Someone wanted to sing but was offered a broken tumbakhnari. Ye kyah intizaam chu yeti.

“Mai firukh kehwa odi cup, ye cha shubaan yezman baiyi……”
Yezman bai faints…. everyone will be like kyah gov? kyah gov? tresh aniv, emis aav chakar … a feeble reply will be heard…emis che tagan yem drama karen …

Tobah tobah ase Kasheren kyah banni ….

Mahliqa Muzafer

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