Marriage, Sasural, and the Silent Struggles of Women in Kashmiri Society

Marriage is often described as one of the most beautiful relationships in life. It is supposed to bring companionship, peace, love, and emotional security. But for many women, especially in traditional family setups, marriage can become a place of pressure, silence, and constant adjustment. Instead of becoming a partnership between two individuals, it often becomes a system where one woman is expected to carry the emotional, domestic, and social burden of an entire household.

In Kashmiri society, many conversations around marriage remain hidden behind the idea of “family privacy.” People speak openly about careers, travel, education, and success, but very few speak honestly about domestic struggles, unfair expectations, and the emotional pressure women face after marriage. The result is that many women suffer quietly, while society continues to pretend that everything is normal.

The Daughter-in-Law and the Burden of Expectations

One of the biggest issues in many marriages is the way a daughter-in-law is viewed after marriage. She is often expected to adjust immediately into a new family, understand everyone’s habits, serve the household, respect elders, take care of children, contribute financially if she is working, and still remain silent if she feels hurt.

There is nothing wrong with helping at home or taking care of family members. Every home needs love, cooperation, and responsibility. The problem begins when the work of a daughter-in-law is treated as her duty, but her dignity, comfort, and emotional needs are ignored. When she cooks, cleans, earns, raises children, and supports everyone, yet receives little kindness or respect in return, the home stops feeling like a family and starts feeling like a place of unpaid labour.

Many women today are educated and financially independent, but financial independence alone does not always bring freedom. In some households, a working daughter-in-law is expected to earn and contribute, but she is still judged by traditional standards. She must work outside and also manage the house inside. She must support her husband financially, but she may not have equal say in family decisions. This creates a deep sense of exhaustion and resentment.

The Fear of “Losing the Son”

Another sensitive issue is the insecurity that some families feel after their son gets married. Instead of accepting that the son is now building a new family unit with his wife, some parents see the daughter-in-law as someone who has come to take him away. This emotional competition creates tension in the house.

A married son should not have to choose between his parents and his wife. But he must learn to create healthy boundaries. Loving parents does not mean ignoring the wife. Respecting elders does not mean allowing injustice. A healthy family is one where everyone has their place, but no one is controlled, humiliated, or emotionally neglected.

Unfortunately, in many homes, boundaries are weak. If a husband spends time with his wife, it may be seen as neglecting his parents. If a couple wants personal space, it may be seen as disrespect. If the daughter-in-law speaks about her discomfort, she may be called arrogant, selfish, or “not adjusting.” This creates an unhealthy environment where everyone feels unhappy, but no one wants to address the real issue.

The Silent Husband

One of the most painful parts of this situation is the silence of the husband. A man brings someone’s daughter into his life, but many times he fails to protect her dignity in his own home. He may love his wife, but he remains silent because he does not want conflict with his parents or family.

This silence can be deeply damaging. A wife does not always need grand gestures; sometimes she only needs her husband to acknowledge her pain and stand beside her. When he stays quiet while she is being emotionally hurt, she feels abandoned. Marriage then stops feeling like a partnership and starts feeling like loneliness inside a relationship.

A husband’s role is not to become a rebel against his family, but to become fair. He has to understand that justice at home begins with courage. If he cannot speak with balance, maturity, and kindness, the marriage slowly loses trust.

Financial Dependence on the Maika

Another issue often seen in society is the financial burden placed on the girl’s family even after marriage. In some cases, during pregnancy, delivery, or conflict, the woman’s parents continue to carry major responsibilities. If the husband’s family does not provide emotional or financial support, the woman’s maika becomes her only safety net.

This creates resentment. A girl is married into another family, but when she needs care, support, or protection, she is sent back to her parents. Her family is expected to show a “big heart,” even if they are financially weak, old, sick, or emotionally exhausted themselves.

The painful truth is that in many cases, a woman’s respect after marriage depends on the strength of her own family. If her father is influential, her brothers are strong, or her family is financially stable, she may be treated better. If her family is weak or unable to support her, she becomes more vulnerable in her sasural. This is not how marriage should work. A woman’s dignity should not depend on her father’s wealth or her brother’s social position.

Marriage Should Not Mean Losing Yourself

Marriage should be a relationship of peace, not a battlefield of loyalties. A woman should not have to lose her voice to keep a family together. She should not be expected to sacrifice her career, emotional health, dignity, and identity in the name of adjustment.

At the same time, the solution is not hatred between families. The solution is balance. Elders need to understand that when their son gets married, he is not being taken away. He is starting a new chapter of life. The daughter-in-law is not an outsider brought in to serve everyone. She is a partner to their son and a member of the family who deserves respect.

Couples also need space to build their own relationship. Every marriage needs privacy, emotional freedom, and independent decision-making. Without this, the relationship remains under constant pressure.

The Need for Honest Conversations

Our society needs to talk about these issues openly. Silence has not solved anything. Telling women to “adjust” without addressing unfair treatment only pushes pain deeper. Keeping domestic issues hidden in the name of privacy often protects the wrong behaviour.

Privacy is important, but ignorance is not. Family matters should be handled with dignity, but that does not mean women should suffer quietly. There should be awareness, counselling, community discussions, and honest conversations around marriage, boundaries, financial responsibility, emotional abuse, and the role of husbands.

Women also need to support each other. Many mothers-in-law were once daughters-in-law themselves. Instead of repeating the same pain, they can help break the cycle. A woman who suffered should not become the enforcer of the same suffering for another woman.

The Way Forward

The future of marriage in our society depends on how honestly we are willing to change. Parents with sons must learn to step back with grace. Parents with daughters must raise them with confidence and self-respect. Men must learn that being a good son and a good husband can go together, but only when they act with fairness and courage.

Marriage is not the problem. The problem is the way marriage is often practiced—with control, silence, unfair expectations, and emotional pressure. A good marriage should bring peace to both husband and wife. It should create a safe home, not a place where one person keeps sacrificing while others look away.

If we want healthier families, we must begin by accepting one simple truth: a daughter-in-law is not a maid, not a guest, not a threat, and not an outsider. She is a human being with dignity, dreams, emotions, and rights. A marriage can only be beautiful when respect is not demanded from one side alone, but given equally by everyone.