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On the banks of Dal there was an old lady with wrinkles on her face and stick in her hand. She had worn spectacles too. She removed her thick glass spectacles and was looking at the Shikara and moved her eyesight upwards looking at the sky. Her eyes were wet but the expressions in her eyes were matching with that of a teenage girl. With an apparent look of an old lady. She was looking like a 16 years old teenage girl. It has been years since she daily visits Dal and sits there for an hour and goes back.
Sometimes she enjoys shikara ride also. It is harsh winter now.Today she has worn a brand new green Pheran with a matching hijab and is looking like a sparkling star. People now know her very well. She is Zara.
Zara distributed sweets to everyone visiting around that area. Today was a special day, her Tausif’s birthday. Few youngsters were watching all these.They came forward and asked her,” What is your name sweet lady? And why are you distributing sweets?” Zara replied to them” My journey is complicated and unpopular. Would you like to know about me?” The group members were quite enthusiastic to know about her. Zara led them to the coffee shop which was located at Dal lake and was owned by Zara. She offered them coffee and sandwiches and started telling her own story.
I am. Zara. Zara Tausif.
This name is given to me by me. I am here in Kashmir since last many years.By birth i am non Kashmiri and non muslim . But now I have adopted Kashmiri culture and I follow many practices of Islam happily. My previous name is Meera. This name is also given to me by me. Because Meera was a fearless lady and so am i. Meera gave up the Royal life for the sake of her love and I respect her a lot.
Now let me share you my story from my native land to my dream land. I belong to a land which has given father of nation of two great nations. Yes it is Kathiyawad. Commitment, loyalty, dedication and fearlessness is a gift to me from my land. They flow in my blood. Kashmir has been my dreamland even when I had not visited even once. I live alone in Kashmir since last many years. Now the world for me is this dreamland of mine.
I met my love in Kashmir before few years through a social networking site.We came quite closer and he had never told me that he is married. I was shocked when I came to know the reality. It hurt a lot not because he was married but he hid the reality. Then too i forgave him and with the broken heart gave him my tremendous love. I was elder to him. He was Faiz. Faiz has given me few nice memories but he was widening the gap between us. That was painful for me. I was working with a known private sector bank and I was earning reasonably good. Many times I made financial help to Faiz. For me it was my privilege , a
little i could do for my love. He was suffering a business loss and was in need of a mobile. I immediately transferred my hard earned money so that he can focus on his business and he was the earning hand of the family. After that he almost stopped receiving my calls and replying my messages. I was in a deep pain. I was all alone there and I could not share my relationship to anyone just to save his married life . I focused on my work but somewhere deep within this land was calling me. I never knew the reason. During my that phase of pain and trauma i met another guy in the social networking site. He is Tausif. At the very first instance we chatted a lot. I could make out that Tausif has a deep understanding of life. He fell in love with me. I told him about my commitment to Faiz. He was ready to wait. Tausif is a person who is sensitive towards humanity. He is not a self centered person. We used to talk every evening while my returning from my office to home. We started chatting and talking at bed time also. We shared our confidential matters with each other. He told me about his past relationships as well. He also had two relationships in past but as he said both were over.I wanted a loyal partner for the life time. I was ok if he doesn’t give name to the relationship.
We both were sharing mutual understanding and we’re going quite smooth. Tausif assured me for his loyalty not through words but through action. We used to say ,”Ek roti kama kar ek roti mein se adhi adhi khayenge” Above statement was the inner voice and belief of both of us. I was getting an irresistible pull
towards him. When that feeling and pull was out of my control, i could not stop myself and dialled his number during my duty time.I went to the washroom and told him, “ Hello Tausif ! I want to tell you something immediately. I want to say that “Abhi aisa dil kar raha hai ki Tum ek roti kamao aur us mein se adhi adhi khayenge. I want to write my life on your name. I love you Tausif”.
His cheerful voice i still remember. He insisted that he wanted to meet me immediately and want to fly from Kashmir to meet me. I made him understand not to rush immediately and from that moment to till this moment I have submitted my breaths on his name. Without seeing each other also we were sharing excellent bonding, trust and love. After few months i flew to Kashmir and we saw each other personally for the first time. I had a deep down feeling that he is my fairy tale prince. He is the knight who will come and hold my hand and will take me onto the horse. Age, religion and region could not hinder our love
for each other. I was overwhelmed with the blessings showered by almighty . The dream which I saw at the
age of 16 came true after many years. I became a teenage girl. During my stay in Kashmir both had unforgettable memories of our togetherness.
All small small villages i could see through his eyes. This beautiful land was looking most beautiful when I saw through his eyes. I was on the seventh heaven. Mughal gardens and Dal lake.Many visits with him.Gulmarg,Sonmarg and Pahalgam…And doodhpathri. Once we had gone to Gulmarg. We took our homemade food with us. We reached Gulmarg and set there on a high hill and had a picnic time. Again he took me to the higher hill. I was holding his hand and following him. We opened up our tiffin box and gave first bite to each other. The satisfaction of that bite is beyond the scope of articulation. Again we went on a
still higher hill. He held my hand and I followed him. There was no one around. We layed down on the open hilly land. The sky was showering blessings and the beautiful nature was acknowledging our love. We held hand in hand and without uttering a single word we expressed love through our eyes. The deepest feeling of security was inside us. We realized the meaning of true partnership. Once when we were on Shikara ride, he plucked a lotus from the lake and offered me with a kiss. That was an evening time. He stared at me…Was lost in my eyes and with his eyes full of emotions for me, he asked me”Aap hamesha saath rahoge na?”. It was an evening time.
The sky was orangish red. Mountains and lake water were witnessing our love. I replied” Dhalti hui shaan ke laal kirano se meri maang bhar do. Duniya ka koi bhi sinduur is se zyada taqatwar nahi hoga”. His eyes were rolling tears and so were mine. We hugged each other and kissed each other in shikara. The lotus which he plucked for me was my Maher. He put his head on my shoulder and two souls felt being one. Ruuhani rishta kya hota hai i felt for the first time. Time flew and I had to leave Kashmir. We departed with a heavy heart and commitment of loyalty to each other. I felt he is the man who could give me emotional security.we both wanted to give back to the society. We wanted to bring smile on people’s faces with a small small dids. We always used to talk that fruits in his baugh were our children and we don’t need own children. We wanted to do some work for the despaired children of the society. After reaching my home land i awaited for Tausif to arrive as he had promised me that he would follow me shortly. There were festive days, i was longing for him but due to some or the other reason !!!!!! he could not come. Days passed by. I was without job now and I started feeling insecure both financially and emotionally. Again I was thrown into a box of emotional insecurity where I was searching for a window to come out. But I was in the suffocation and there was no one to hold my hand with care and bring me out of this insecurity. I focussed on all good memories we had and survived on my own. I had no choice but to trust Tausif and keeping faith in almighty. Meanwhile I noticed that Tausif was not as enthusiastic as he was in the beginning. I clearly asked him if he wants to withdraw himself from this relationship. I was elder to him. I was from a different religion. He assured me that I should not worry about break up and he was keeping busy but he loves me .I trusted him. I was happy within. As I am.older than him i can understand his situation and should react more maturely. Now he had minimized not only phone calls but whatsapp and messenger chats also. He hardly used to call me proactive and many times was not picking up my calls. In that sad and unsecured emotional phase of mine i was all alone. Again I asked him if everything is alright with our relationship. He replied i need not to worry. There were clear signals of ignorance from his side…But I still believed in his words. Then after his mother was diagnosed with a fatal heart disease. He was about to come to meet me and his mother developed few health complications and was diagnosed with a critical heart disease. Again Tausif could not move from Kashmir for the obvious reason that he was needed there around the family. I also understood his situation and assured him for my support in all conditions. His family knew me and daily i used to ask him about his mom’s health and they also used to send regards to me. Although they did not have any idea about our relationship. Again I flew to Kashmir to meet him and to support him. This time I was also running short of money but for me giving a moral support to Tausif was more important and I managed it with selling my gold ornaments. Tausif was happy to see me as it was a surprise for him. He hugged me on the road. I could see the happiness and relaxation in his eyes. But after an hour or so I noticed that he is avoiding eye contact with me. That was not the correct time to interrogate our relationship. But I found a changed behaviour of him. During my stay in kashmir we met for only two hours. We had a shikara ride. He was keeping a distance . I was down and sad from within. For me Love is not a Trade. My love for him is my treasured moments of life. I returned to my homeland. Started a job. I was trying to come out of the uncertainty of relationship. One day I received a message from Tausif that he is in relationship with his previous girlfriend and I should try to forget him. He said that we would be friends forever but more than friends is not possible. She is the same girl about whom he had discussed in the beginning of our telephonic conversation. I was spellbound all alone with an emotional earthquake. I became depressed and my health started deteriorating . I had now a confirmed message of rejection. Tremendous infinite love, utmost care and endless trust gave me this result. But I still believe that Love is not a Trade. I don’t need him.also to love him.I love him and will love him till my last breath. I winded up everything and flew to Kashmir. Since then I am here in Kashmir. Tausif loves me but he is not having courage to accept me as his wife. Now he is married and having two beautiful children.His mother is also in a much better shape of health. His younger brother is also settled He comes and meet me once a week . Today is his birthday. He may come today. I come here daily with an assumption that he might come today. He comes at times. We talk. We both love each other.
Kuchh rishte asmaan ki tarah hote hai…Is ka na ant hota hai.. na is ki sharuat. Yeh shayad hote hi nahi hai phir bhi apne aap me mukammal hote hai.
This is my letter which I wrote to our children(fruits of his baugh) when Tausif decided to marry her.
Bacchon,Tumhari Mumma tumhe bahot yaad karti hai. Last year Papa aap logon ko le kar Mumma ke paas ane wale the lekin kisi vajah se nahi aa paye. Mai intazar karti hi rahi papa ka aur papa ke saath aap logon ka. Mai jab pichhle saal ayi thi tab to papa mujhe aap logon se milvane laye hi nahi the. Mai hi zabardasti le ayi thi unko. Par uus vaqt jo mujhe samazna chahiye tha who mai samaz nahi payi kyon ki pyar se bhi zyada bharosa karti thi tumhare papa pe. Yaad hai bachon jab papa pehli baar mujhe aap logon se milane le aye the, unhone mujhe first kiss ki thi, jakad liya tha apni bahon mein aur mai sharma gayi thi ki bacche dekh rahe hai. Mumma papa ke pyar ke gawah ho tum log. Par ab papa nayi mom lane wale hai. Mai bahot badi hu, old lady hu is liye papa jawan mumma lane wale hai. Mai to chahti thi aur ab abhi chahti hu ki papa , Mai aur hamare bacche, yeh hi sansar ho par papa kuchh aur chahte hai. Aur kisi aur ko chahte hai is liye ab mujhe ijazat de do bacchon. Papa nayi mom ko bhi yeh hi layenge aur aap logon ke samne us se bhi pyar karenge. Tab aap log
papa pe gussa nahi hona aur mujhe yaad kar ke rona bhi nahi. Papa ka khayal rakhna aap log..Mai to kuchh nahi kar payi aap ke liye. Papa ne hi aap ko pala hai aur bada kiya hai. Unki hamesha izzat karna aap log. Aur han jab kabhi papa udaas ho aur shayad kabhi papa ko meri yaad ati ho tab aap sab saath milkar kehna”Hum Hai Na”!! Jaise mai kehti hu unko “Mai Hu Na” !! Mumma bacchon ke liye kuchh bhi seh kar ji leti hai. Vaise mai bhi akeli ji lungi. App aur papa ek dusre ke paas rahoge par mumma ke saath koi nahi hoga.Papa ke pyar ki yadon se aur aap ki yadon
se mai zinda rahungi. Jab mera antim samay ayega tab aap logon ko khud ba khud ehsas ho jayega…
Tab papa ko aap Jhelum ke kinare bhej dena. Mai papa ke khandhe par sur rakh kar akhiri saans lena chahti hu aur papa ke hi kandhe par kabrastan jana chahti hu. Han yeh zarur kehna ki mujhe dafnaya jaye..Usi kabrastan mein jaha papa chahte ho. Jab mai mitti me mil jaungi tab mitti ke saath fertilizer ban kar aap ke saath phir se juud jaungi aur papa ke saath bhi…
Khuda Hafiz bacchon
I am old lady now and having a desire to stay with Tausif. Not for any other reason but now I need him to hold my hand when I am unable to maintain my balance with stick. I want him to ask me about my health and my emotional status. I lived alone for the entire life but now I need him to put his palms on my forehead when I am suffering health problem. I am feeling very lonely now. I feel my life is on the verge of termination . I want to have my last breath on Tausif’s shoulder. I want to get burried where he chooses my graveyard. Mera janaza haq se usi ke kandhe pe uthe.. this is the reason why I want to get married with him. Islam allows second marriage and I pray to Allah that Tausif would come and propose me for the marriage. If he may not gather courage then next month i shall go back to my hometown. This coffee shop i will hand over to Tausif. He is earning good. If he needs then he would take money from this business or else any profit from this coffee shop will be used for the betterment of Kashmiri children and education of needy students. Tausif will manage it. I urge all of you to pray for me. I want to get burried here. After all Allah is the master planner.
I love you all my Kashmiri brothers and sisters. Now when I leave Kashmir, I will never be able to come back again. This would be my final alvida to this land and all of you. I thank you all for giving me warmth and care and love during my these years in Kashmir. I will certainly miss Kashmir and all my Kashmiri friends. Mere liye dua karna doston. Aap hamesha mere dil me zinda rahoge. Meri zindagi ke saath bhi..
Meri zindagi ke baad bhi…